californiapearl’s blog

1. This would normally be titled "daily randoms #8" except that I have taken to long, rambling titles as of late. They make me happy because I cannot possibly sit here and try to think of a witty title to summarize all the words jumbled about within my brain.
2. A farmer who we've known and with whom we have done business recently died -- the cause is unknown, and it's rude to ask. He suddenly died. As a little girl, I thought he was mean and I put big rocks in his van to make him angry. My brother and his son were friends, and I can't help but ponder the fact that my brother talks down "about" them and the "type" of people they are yet still considers themselves friends. Nonetheless, it's sad for a great number of reasons. This is weird for me to say but the worst is already over because I've already thought the thought: it is "awkward" to experiences traditions and customs outside of your own, and you soon find yourself comparing. It's not something to brag about, but so far the funeral ceremonies for my grandfather, grandmother, and uncle were large, detailed, and dare I say "extravagant." A lot of planning is done after such a tragedy that sometimes it takes two weeks before a ceremony can be conducted; food is bought in large quantities, monks are sought out to perform the sacred rituals and outfits are to be made. It is a wonder how a funeral can sometimes appear to be a big party for all those who aren't close family. During my grandmother's funeral ceremony, there were those who actually came to "pay their respects" in presence, sat down, ate, and gambled. I don't think I've experienced such hatred. I think the biggest difference of it all is that during a grand funeral ceremony, you are often easily lost among the crowd. It's okay to be in shock and not appear to be ridden with grief; your face can occupy preoccupation and no one will question you. At smaller ceremonies, you can't hide.
3. I no longer consider myself a photographer. Not that it was an esteemed title to hold, yet I distinguish myself between a person who calls herself a photographer and one who just takes pictures. I just take pictures. I have noticed that this relieves much useless pressure and I've been able to get back into photographing a little bit. I've figured out that I prefer to use primes because of the forced composition aspect and that more thought is needed into the photograph; what better way for someone who over thinks? There are a number of things I dislike seeing pictures of, as well, and I will list them now: fireworks, people taking pictures and saying they were "bored," people taking pictures of their Starbucks drinks (and possibly while they are drinking them), jump shots (I just don't understand ...), and a few others.
   
4. Somehow, I find myself strangely jealous at the happiness of my friends. I am a terrible friend but to be honest, I haven't seen much of them lately and the one that even remembers my birthday and calls me --- I ignore. I will call her tomorrow. And I will call back that one friend who has always been there for me and I'm such a fucking bitch that I take it for granted. I find myself climbing up the slope rather than rolling fast downhill. Anyhow, this feeling was very strange for me because I haven't felt it in the past even going through some of the things that I have. But I see her and I see that she is truly, 100% happy and that makes me SO happy for her yet somewhat bitter at the same time.
5. Why do people give out gift cards so freely nowadays? I understand the major perks of it but it's ruining people nowadays and there is hardly any appreciation because the fact is -- people will expect gift cards to their favorite stores as a present. Anything else is insulting. Forget picking out a gift you'd think they like because they would much rather have the money on a piece of plastic so that they can spend like it's their own. It creates terrible habits (I should talk). But most importantly, when someone comes to expect gift cards, they will see other gifts as less desirable and this is unfair because the appreciation should not change. We don't THINK of it as a gift from someone -- hardly -- because oftentimes, when we spend the gift card we might see it as a gift from someone but the act of buying it is like spending our own money and we might not associate it. So if someone handmade me a scrapbook, I can appreciate the time and effort spent AS WELL AS it being a gift from them or I can take their $XX gift card and buy some unnecessary crap that might end up under my bed. This leads to a long conversation of how I will raise my children which I will save for a very desolate and rainy day.
   
6. I want to bake cupcakes. I have several cute ideas and I've been playing with fondant. Jess and I are going to host (or she will host and I will be eating the cupcakes) a cupcake party. Coincidently, this is the week of my birthday (well, it still applies) so this makes me extra giddy. I'm bad at baking from scratch but I'm awesome at decoration. I can't wait.
7. I'd continue this list to China (YOU'RE CHINA) but I'm tired. Four hours of sleep in the past two days. Yeah, I don't think so.

Goodnight.

This is how I will start off my day.

When people see me, of course I'm not emotional and crazy and depressed. I wouldn't dare show my emotions like that, but also because when I'm around other people I generally don't think about things that are all welled up inside. Yet, whenever I'm alone it feels like the dams are all broken and I just can't control the emotions.

What I wouldn't like to do more than now is just to tell everyone to fuck off. Srsly.

I've done so many hours on my elliptical that I could probably buy it lunch. I'm still as big as a balloon. WTF.

I really dislike life right now. My anxiety is through the freaking roof.

I'm taking a break from life. Screw it.

So, last night Jess and I went to a Fashion Show that donates a portion of their sales to local charities. This event was hosted to raise money for the San Francisco Child Abuse Prevent Center. Admittedly, this is my first Fashion Show so I had no idea what to expect. Jess has hosted her own fashion show before (I couldn't go to it!) so maybe she has more ideas about it. I'm leaving specific details out so I won't get googled or something, and because it will be highlighted at SOCIETEMAG.COM in the JULY ISSUE that will be released this coming Tuesday. (Gosh, could I be more subtle?)

Fashion For Good Cause 001

For the most part, it was interesting. I think the best part of it all was seeing these twelve year olds take "myspace" pictures of themselves shamelessly for about an hour. I couldn't stop laughing at them. They were just sitting in the corner, taking pictures of themselves or of each other in different poses. Tee hehehe.

They had Tahitian dancers!

Fashion For Good Cause 148

And I have tried to tone down on any criticisms, partly because I think they are without warrant, but some of the models were funny. Not funny looking. Not humorous. Just funny. I can't explain it, ok? There was one that I thought was HILARIOUS, mainly because she was lined up to be a model last night but for some reason didn't model at all. At the reception, she stood by the wall all on her lonesome, occasionally bugging the staff who were serving drinks, or repeatedly walking in and out of the studio. During the show, she was ushering people out on stage as each model was finished. During the acknowledgments, they thanked her for her help and briefly said that she was supposed to model. What she did then was climb up on stage and walked down, doing her poses and such while a lot of people were quiet (and I was giggling) and then she got off stage. Apparently she thought it was her cue to go, who knows? She was totally serious. Most people probably thought "WTH" at this shameless self promotion (as she was just dressed in a tight shirt and a black skirt with her butt hanging out).

I will be the first to admit that I don't know the damnedest thing about "fashion" but I saw some really funny looking things there. That, and some people can be so pretentious. I am somewhat attracted to all this glitz and glamour (if you could call it that) but hmm, I don't know, call me pretentious but I didn't care much for it.    

The shots I got from the show are utter crap, and so I think Jess will use hers. Here are a few of them, if you're interested:

These are all local to San Francisco designers, and there was no program so I have no clue what their names were except that they were announced once or twice. Way to run a show, huh? I think most of the attendees were family and/or family friends, anyway.

I love this so much.

I can't stop watching it.

Going to finish all of the things I need to get done today and start on the 7th season. I hear there is going to be an 8th because the 7th only has 11 episodes. YAY :)

I've been really frustrated at the fact that I can't seem to hold onto photography with the same passion that I had normally. I suppose this is how things are supposed to be --- I usually cycle through a number of hobbies and activities that I enjoy doing and so I have to be patient until photography can reclaim my heart! In the meantime, I've been working on some paper crafts and I managed to finish three pages in my memory book.

I really hate the evil empire, but it's photo uploading program works the best with my computer/browsers. I really want to go on a tangent about the ease of getting photographs and preserving memories nowadays. It's quite simply amazing. Anyway, I got about 75 photos printed out for around $14.00. I remember having to use those dinky little disposable cameras and out of the 24 exposures you were able to take, only 15 or so would actually come out. Before the whole 1 hour photo thing, and the price! Ok, ok, I'll shut up.

It sucks though because I really hate myself and the way I look in the pictures, but hey, what can you do? It was months ago, lol. These are the three I have done recently. I'm trying to finish as many as I can before I lose interest, LOL.

My biggest problem with crafting is that when I get into it, it's hard to stop. I go at it full force and will spend hours doing it because I absolutely LOVE it. Oh, and the fact that stores like Michael's just do not help. They are having a HUGE sale right now. You can walk in and pick up a flier and the 40% off one item coupon, but today may be the last day. Most of the items that I probably would have used the coupon on were already on sale, and the coupon excludes sales items, so you really have to dig around for something you were eyeing to use that coupon. Stickers are 40% off, paper pads and albums are 30% off, as well as many other different items. I got suckered into buying more paper :(

Papers

The regular 59c 12x12 papers are now 4/$1, so if you've been waiting for them, I suggest you go now. The 8x8 papers have some 15c deals.

I seriously went at the best and worst time. I managed to walk out with less than $5 in papers though.

OKAY, enough boring old lady talk :)

Pastas should be banned. They're going to ruin my diet.

Orzo Bake

To be honest, I don't like this bake as much as I do making it as a pasta salad. It's almost the same ingredients, but it's easier to make this (it seems). I found the recipe online but I switched it up a lot by adding (or adding more) of my favorite ingredients. So good! The best thing is that it has so much flavor from the oregano, basil, and parsley (both fresh and dried) as well as the tangy-ness from the feta cheese. Trader Joe's sells a 6 oz. plastic container of feta with herbs for less than three bucks and it's so worth it!

NOM NOM NOM

Lately, I've been getting full quickly but eating more than three meals a day. I've been told this is actually better, but I wanted to gobble a lot of this up :)

Next, I'm making a veggie lentil bake! I'm still thinking of different things I can add to the dish, but I've never made it and so I'm not so sure I should be experimenting just yet. Oh well!

First of all, isn't it funny how they market some beauty products? I've heard nothing but great reviews for Benefit's Bad Gal Lash mascara, and I finally caved in and bought a small bottle for $9 at Sephora (DAMN THOSE LITTLE TABLES IN FRONT OF THE CASH REGISTERS). It's got a huge brush, and I suppose the lucky ones with long beautiful lashes can make good use of it. I, on the other hand, cursed with short and straight lashes can't help poking myself in the eye with it and getting it all over my eyelid. Maybe I'm too used to a comb mascara, I don't know. but it wasn't worth it.

Bottle MY Insecurities